Beware - TMI

Tonight my very kind and generous father-in-law paid me some very kind and generous compliments on my blog over a dinner he kindly and generously paid for.  So I thought I could show appreciation for this by writing a blog on some of the reasons why I love and adore his son:



1)  He always sprays down the shower with Clean Shower.  I hear other wives talk about how their husbands are slobs or how they leave their dirty socks all over the place.  I was lucky enough to marry a man who was raised to be "mostly" neat.  No, he doesn't leave his dirty socks all over the place.  He does, however, leave the bathroom mirror open (Grrrrr!) but after all these years, I think he just does it to provoke me.  He always claims he isn't "done yet."   Bull crap.  He's done and left the room.  Sometimes he just likes to poke me with a sharp stick for no reason.  But he does indeed spray down the shower every day . . . or at least mostly every day.  He even refills the spray bottle when it's empty.  Well, as long as I leave the refill bottle close by, that is.


2)  He always, ALWAYS, makes sure my gas tank is full.  Lane is a bit of a Gas Nazi.  I can't hardly think of a time in the 21 years we've been married that my gas tank has been below half.  I am also pretty sure that I haven't pumped gas in that amount of time.  He usually fills it when we're out and about on Saturday mornings, but he will make a special trip to fill it up if needed.  I think there's a small chance that he makes the special trips when he really needs to get some sort of treat, but whatever the reason, I always . . . umm . . . have gas.


3)  He lets me spoon.  Due to Lane working the night shift for 15+ years we don't get to sleep in the same bed very often.  And when we do it's a bit of a battle, I'm not gonna lie.  We've both become accustomed to having the entire bed to ourselves, and we both think that "my side" is smack in the middle.  Lane also has a no-touching policy when he goes to sleep.  But if I tell him I want to spoon, he lets me.  And me getting into proper spoon position can be quite a painful experience for him.  My head fits perfectly in a certain spot on his shoulder and sometimes it takes more than one attempt to settle in.  I may jab my shoulder into his armpit a few times.  But he lets me do it.  He only says "ouch!" the first time.  And he lets me spoon for as long as I want instead of saying, "ok, that's enough, get off."  That's love.


4)  He keeps his eye-rolling to himself.  Antagonizing Lane is one of favorite hobbies.  I don't ask him, "Do these pants make me look fat?" (because not only is that cliche, I don't own any magic pants that wouldn't make me look fat.)  No, it's much more fun to go with the utter ridiculous.  For instance, if he says, "Let's go for a walk," my response is "Are you saying I'm fat?"  If he says "I like the way your hair looks today, " my resonse is "Are you saying I'm fat?"  And if he says "What's for dinner?"  again, the only logical answer is "Are you saying I'm fat?"  It's  a fun little game.  Well, for me it is.  He has learned to play along. One of these days he's going to say, "Yes, Lari.  I do think you are fat."  And I will totally deserve it.  But more importantly, when I delcare (pretty much weekly) that I hate all my clothes and I'm going to buy all new ones, he says "ok," and opens his wallet.  I've never really bought all new clothes, but I love that he's willing to let me, no questions asked.


5) He makes me laugh.  Once upon a time I told Lane he watched far too much baseball.  He told me he only watched the Dodger games, it wasn't so much baseball as I thought. Shortly thereafter I noticed him watching a game where neither team was the Dodgers.  So I questioned him on why he was watching a game that wasn't the Dodgers.  His answer was the longest, most drawn-out, most ridiculous thing ever.  It was an explanation of how one of the players in the game was tied into the Dodgers.  It was hilariously awesome.  So all these years later when I catch him watching a baseball game that isn't the Dodgers, he still gives me a wholy unrealistic explanation because he knows I expect it.  Also once we heard a Bill Engvall routine and it involved how women do all the household work and men do none.  In the bit, the husband informed the wife, who was repaving the driveway, that the wife didn't need to worry about emptying the ashray in the den because he "done took care of it."  To this day, Lane frequently informs me that he has "emptied an ashtray" when he has done something housework-wise that doesn't normally fall into his list responsibilities.  I love that he remembers the little things (the comedy moment, not the household chore) that have become part of our history.


When Lane came home from his mission, it was only a few hours before he annoyed his sister Michelle to the point where she asked, "When are you getting married and moving out?"  (I also remember Michelle asking me once while Lane was on his mission:  "How can you love him?  He's such a dork.")  So I'm glad that he granted Michelle's wish and didn't wait to long before marrying me.  I'm sure we've had ups and downs over the 21 years, but it's strange how I only really remember good times and special moments.  All the stupid moments about trivial things seem to slip away, or maybe their hard edges are softened by time and by all the other memories jumbling around together in our memories.  And as I look back I can't help but smile because he's made my life so happy.

My (current) Favorite Things

Ok, so these pictures turned out really small.

 

 

So since I have been quite negligent in Blog upkeep, and since I have nothing notewothy to say, I've decided to once again post a "Things I Can't Live Without" list.

 

I've done such a list before, but these are the things that are on my mind right now, either as a new discovery or a tried-and-true friend. So here we go . . .

 

 



 

 I sold Avon for about 14 or 15 years.  No really.  The reason you don't know is because I was not at all good at it.  During that period of time, Avon would turn over products with some degree of regularity and it always seemed that whatever product I totally fell in love with, they would promptly discontinue.  That's just how my luck goes.  But I am sad to say that never, NEVER, in the course of my Avon Lady years did I try the Cracked Heel Relief Cream.  I have The. Roughest. Heels. Ever.  I have tried all kinds of stuff to make them all baby smooth-like, but nothing could ever seem to soften the disgusting elephant skin on my feet (grossed out yet?).  So I finally ordered the Cracked Heel Cream.  So let me just say, that for anyone who has heels that can rival mine - this is your new best friend.    Seriously, there was a notable difference in about 2 days.  And continued daily use has only made them better.    And it's totally cheap too - $2.99 on sale.  LOVE IT!!!  Give it a try.  P.S.  This doesn't count as outrageous pandering because I'm not an Avon Lady anymore.  But I can hook you up with one!  :)

Many of my Pinterst attempts have not gone so well.  You know, the pictures on Pinterest that are total flops labeled "Nailed It!"  Yeah, that's me.  Well, I've got one that totally worked.  Worked better than I thought.  We go through gallons of Roundup during a summer and as The Cheapest Person Alive, I'm always totally offended at the cost of Roundup.  So I pinned a homemade Roundup Concoction, and I sprayed it on the weeds growing in our front yard with, I will admit, a fair amount of skepticism.  Later in the day I told Lane what I had done and asked how long it should take to work.  With an equal or greater amount of skepticism in his tone, he answered that the weeds should start to wilt within a few hours.  So we went and looked, and what do you know?  The weeds were wilting.  The grass growing in the cracks remained unphased, however, but I was thrilled to be able to gloat just a little bit.  Ok, a lot.  Ok, I may have done the I Told You So dance on the front lawn.  And the good news just keeps getting better:  the grass has since turned yellow and is dying.  Whoo hoo!


Recipe for said Homemade Roundup (for dirt cheap):  2 cups white vinegar, 1 Tablespoon salt, 1 Tablespoon dish soap.  That's it.  Mix it up in a spray bottle and spray away!  It costs pennies!!!  I Told You So dance is optional, but strongly encouraged.

 

 

And back we are to Avon again.  I love Avon.  I realize that may make me a 75 year old woman, but seriously, I love their stuff.  This little treasure is the Avon Care 3 in 1 Cleanser.  It cleans everything off my face, and I do mean everything.  If I use a little toner or something after I wash my face, there is nothing on the cotton ball.  Every.  Thing.  

 

After many attempts to be all high-tech and track my life on my phone like an educated, worldly woman of 2013, I have found that the old school paper planner works so much better.  It is just faster for me, I can view more stuff at once . . . And with 3 kids and a job I need to know not only what is happening right now, but what is coming up tomorrow and the day after.  Sometimes technology isn't the answer and the old tried-and-true is just the way to go.

After being a lifetime devote to the Bic Crystal Pen (black ink only, please) I have switched my allegiance to the clicky top.  I think this is because I have managed to raise 3 children who lack the ability to put the lid from the pen back on the pen and I have spent 17 years picking up random pen lids from here, there and everywhere, and I lack the ability to use a Bic Crystal Pen (black ink only, please) that doesn't have a lid.  It's quite a conundrum.  The clicky-top solves that problem quite simply, but presents a new problem - I can't guarantee blank ink only.  If we could all just band together and let all the business who give away clicky top pens know that black is awesome and blue is lame, then that would really help me out.

Nearing the End

Taylor's high school graduation is fast approaching.  I took her out one Saturday morning in an attempt to take some pictures for her still-yet-to-be-ordered graduation announcements  (I really need to get that done!).  I am not good at photographing people, and now she's out of town on Choir Tour, so I'm thinking these will just have to do.  Time is quickly running out (insert muffled sobbing sounds here).

 

 

Easter came and went with some lovely clothes from the Grandparents Funk.  Getting the 3 to all look mostly good and less silly in a single picture proved to be more of a difficulty than I had imagined.

Taylor worked most of spring break, but with careful scheduling we found time to take a day and half break.  We went up to SLC and stayed at a hotel (because staying in a hotel apparently makes it a "real" vacation).  I chose the Red Lion because I thought that it would make a nice walk for us down to the City Creek Center for dinner, of course, at the Cheesecake Factory.   And since Mother Nature always likes to poke me with a sharp stick whenever possible, it rained - nay, poured - as we walked those 6 blocks north and 2 blocks east to the Cheesecake Factory.  And it rained on the way back too.   Next time we'll skip the "nice walk" and stay at the Marriott.


The next day we visited the new (and by new, I mean10 years old) Planetarium at the Gateway.  I don't recall the name of the show, but it was a good old fashioned dome show and it was really fun.  I think I haven't been to a planetarium since I was in elementary school.  It was a little pricy - $7 per person for a 30 minute show - but it was a lot of fun and everyone enjoyed it.

Jack and Addie on "Mars" at the Clark Planetarium

We finished up the day with a trip to the Living Planet Aquarium and a movie at Taylor's theater.  We saw The Croods, which was cute but not worth full-price admission, in my opinion.


Speaking of movies, Lane and I have set a new record for movies in a year:  We have been to 3 movies this year and its only April!  We never go to the movie so this is a pretty huge deal.  We saw, of course, The Croods, and also Lincoln and 42.  I highly recommend the 2 latter.  Skip the first until its out on video or Netflix.



We also have a new puppy.  His name is Rex.  He's 75% black lab and 25% chow.  We got him at a Petsmart Pet adoption event.  He's been a really good puppy, although he's very social and doesn't like to be alone.  Transitioning to outside has been challenging because he wants to be with the family all the time.  He's doing better all the time, but we've still been allowing quite a bit of inside time and he's been good to not piddle on the carpet.  Well, mostly good.  Taylor has proved herself to be quite a good dog whisperer and is assigned the task of putting Rex to bed at night (not fun for a dog with severe separation anxiety).   But since Taylor is gone on Choir Tour, Rex freaked out last night when it was time to go to bed and Taylor wasn't the one doing it.  So in frustration I tossed him outside in the backyard to fend for himself.  I didn't hear him whining in the night (hopefully, neither did the neighbors), but he was VERY happy to come in the house this morning.    He's very playful and really cute.  Addie thinks he needs to be carried all the time.


With Taylor gone off to Choir Tour the house always seems a little quieter.  But as luck would have it this year, Jack is also gone for his FCCLA State Conference, making the house really quiet.  With just 3 of us rambling around the house, everything seems just a little bit off.


So I guess it's good that we have a new dog to try to maintain the status quo with Taylor heading off to school in a few months.  She can hardly be replaced with a little dog, but I guess that's just my sad attempt to keep 3 kids around who need me.

390 Days

Cruise 2014 is all set.  That would be in a mere 390 days.  It's just around the corner.


Not really.


We didn't cruise in 2012 because of Lane being in school, and we won't be going in 2013 either.  Same reason.


Take a lesson, young people.  This is why you go to school when you are young and not when you are 40+ and can finally afford to take a decent vaction.


But Lane got his final schedule through the end of his schooling, and his last class ends on February 10, so we are free to cruise anytime thereafter.  Hooray!


Lane also knows that I have been looking for a valid excuse to get a balcony room and so he "insisted" that he has earned such a luxury by finishing up his degree a mere 20 years behind the original plan.  Hey - no argument here.  Balcony room - check.


I guess we didn't scare away our friends Dennis and Jennifer on Cruise 2010 since they are willing to join us again in 2014.  I thought we had a good time, so it's a relief to find out they did too.  Or at least Jennifer.  I'm not sure she speaks for Dennis.  But she probably does.


So just as a warm reminder (especially since we are supposed to get snow tomorrow), let's revisit Cruise 2011, since Cruise 2014 is a do-over.


Yeah, it was that good.

Crap. Now I really have to get serious about losing some weight.

I say that every time.  :)

I'm Such a Scout Nerd

It is an amazing thing when something I do turns out better than expected.  It is a rare occurance, making it even more noteworthy.  So as one who has been sentenced to serving in scouts for a prolonged time, I will impart of my wisdom.


Go.  To.  Roundtable.


It turns out it really is that simple.  So I'll say it again.


Go.  To.  Roundtable.


I have a box of scout stuff.  Actually, I have multiple boxes, but we'll focus here on just the one.  Since my latest tour of duty began - almost 3 years ago - I finally got smart and created lesson plans.  The lesson plans are stapled to the inside of a folder and all the lesson materials are in said folder and filed in the Scout Stuff Box.  Then when I do go to Roundtable or other training meeting I can just insert any handouts into the already established folder.  So simple.  Why I didn't think of this during my other Tours, I don't know.  But lessons now in the 3rd year are blissfully simple.


Tonight was Citizen.  Luckily, recently at a Roundtable the Webelos instructor handed out a big-ole packed of Citizen materials.  And it was all new stuff to me.  Citizen Jeopardy anyone?  Totally fun.  The boys ate it up like candy.  And WAY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y more fun than my previous lesson plan and accomplished all the same stuff.  Next week we have Citizen Pictionary and Citizen Beat the Clock. I'm totally excited.


Who needs a ride to Roundtable next week?  You know I'll be there!

Jackisms

 

For those who don't follow me on Facebook (and why wouldn't you?  I'm a delight!), here is a compilation of the Jackisms I've posted over the years.  I know it doesn't begin at #1, but that's only because it wasn't the first amusing thing he said so I started with a random number.

 

 

You have no idea how much I've been laughing just now reading over the list.

 

 

 

Jackism #25:  Me:  Jack, what do you want for Christmas?

Jack: Lots of assorted metals.

 

 

Jackism #26 Me: Why don't you like English muffins?
Jack McMazing Funk: They aren't muffins.
Me: I know, they are ENGLISH muffins.
Jack: Well then, English people suck.

 

 

 

Jackism #27
Addie: Why are they called shish kabobs?
Jack McMazing Funk: Because they were invited in Shishkabonia.

 

 

Jackism #28: I don't like musicals. They kill people and cause bad breath.

 

 

 

Jackism #29: I'll be a great driver. I'm really good at Mario Kart.

 

 

Jackism #30: Me: Hey, Jack. Do you know if the gym is open tomorow?
Jack McMazing Funk: No, I don't think so. Well, maybe. I'm not really sure. Possibly. Yeah, it is.

 

 

Jackism #31: These fries are too salty. It's drying out my organs. I think my liver is shriveled up like a raisin.

 

 

Jackism #32: I am prepared to be the leader of the Ginger Apocalypse.

 

 

Jackism #33: I am really sneaky. You have no idea how many cookies I can actually eat when you aren't looking.

 

 

Jackism #34: "I think I snapped my spine." - said after stuffing his 6' tall frame into one of those enclosed spiral slippery slides at a park.

 

 

Jackism #35: Jack McMazing Funk: Don't bite me.
Me: I'm not going to bite you. I don't know where you've been.
Jack: I think I taste like Tofu

 

 

Jackism #36: Jack McMazing Funk: Where are your plants? Did someone steal them?
Me: Yes. Someone broke in, stole nothing of value except my little plants, and only took them as far as the front yard.
Jack: They also messed up my room.

 

 

Jackism #37 (at a wedding reception after greeting the bride and groom and eating his treats): Well, I'm going home now. There's nothing left for me here, and now it's just awkward.

 

 

Jackism #38: Addie: What's the capital of Illinois?
Jack McMazing Funk: Chicago . . . No, Maryland.

 

 

Jackism #39: (while playing Jenga) "I'm just toying with you now because obviously you are going to lose."

 

 

Jackism #40: We need a firepole in front of the toilet so I can get to the kitchen faster.

 

 

Jackism #41: (I asked him to kill a big spider in my laundry room) That was a good kill! You should add that to my Epic Kill List. I really do have one.

 

 

Jackism #42: Sorry, I don't speak Foreign.

 

 

Jackism #43: Turtlenecks are for lonely people.

 

 

Jackism #44: Paper doesn't taste good. I don't know why people eat it.

 

 

Jackism #45: Me: Do we still have mashed potatoes for shepherds pie?
Jack McMazing Funk: No I ate them.
Me: All of them?
Jack: Yes. I had some Friday, some more Saturday, and the rest I ate this morning for breakfast.

 

 

Jackism #46: Me: How was Reality Town today? (an activity at the Jr. High)
Jack McMazing Funk: Fun. I had $2000 left over so I bought a walrus.

 

 

Jackism #47: (while watching the animated classic Santa Claus is Coming to Town) “Wow. Mrs Claus really let herself go."

 

Jackism #48: (defending his horribly messy room) The floor is part of my storage system.

 

Jackism #49: Me: Really? Is that what you meant to say to me?
Jack McMazing Funk: No, that's not what I meant. You're very pretty. And young.

 

 

And as to why he's called Jack McMazing Funk - I'm not sure of the entire story, but it is my understanding that the name was given to him by one of his youth leaders -  perhaps Dr. Doyle? - in a moment of jocularity.  He liked it so well, he has adopted it as a permanent name. 

 

Jack is our main source of entertainment around here.  I don't know what we'll do when he leaves home.  :(

I May Need a New Eye Doctor

I'm sick.

I got all cocky, reading on Facebook and hearing around church, etc., how everyone had been sick.  But I hadn't been sick.  No one in my house had been sick.  Good karma was with the Funk family and since I don't hear about sickness quite so much I thought we were in the clear.

But I'm sick.

Luckily, it isn't that horrible, nasty stomach virus that has been making the rounds.  No vomit here.  But my cockiness was overtaken little by little this afternoon at work as a little throat tickle morphed into a nasty cough.

The kind that makes your chest kinda hurt.

The kind that keeps you awake at night.  I hate that.

But as the evening wears on and the cough gets progressively worse, now I am getting that fuzzy head feeling.  You know, when everything is a little bit swirly and you aren't quite sure if you are awake or asleep.  And if you get up to walk, it is with slow and steady steps lest you trip over that little string on the floor in your clouded-head haze.

What?  No?   Just me?  Darn.  Don't tell anyone.

And I'm not even medicated.  Yet.

I was planning to do my taxes tonight.  That will have to wait.   I'm not altogether sure that I can read the numbers on my form.

And speaking of reading numbers, I was recently insulted by my eye doctor.  I went in for an annual exam, and he went about his routine ("which is better? 1?  or 2?) and then rolled back in his little optometrist stool and crossed his arms across his chest.

"You have dry eyes.  Mostly the left one.  You should use drops.  And maybe wear your contacts less."

"What?"  I was a little put out.  "Doctor, I've been wearing contacts since I was 14, and for long days and I've never, NEVER, had a problem with dry eyes.  What's up with that?!?"

Now this hurt:  "Mrs. Funk.  You are . . . um . . . well . . . you see . . . it's just that  . . . as the eyes age . . ."

Ouch.  Not cool Mr. Eye Doctor.

Followed by this:

"Are you using reading glasses yet?" asked my no-longer-beloved eye doctor.

"Are you kidding?  No!  Certainly not.  No."

Now this hurt even more.  "Well . . . uh . . . Mrs. Funk . . . well . . . you should."

Crap.  Double crap on a cracker.  I've been having so much fun making fun of my brother Calvin and friends Joe and Nanette that it never occurred to me I might need them someday too. 

And one more thing to add insult to injury:  When I told this little story to my friend Nanette, she laughed out loud for a full minute.  But just to get even for her hurting my feelings a little bit, know this - she is older than me.  Ha!